Another Movie Review and unlike the what you think I don't Love every movie . . . . . Possible spoilers for HOSTEL you have been Warned
Friday the 13th you would THINK would be a good day to see a new Horror Movie, I did at least. Been looking forward for this movie for about a month, Waiting and waiting the day has come we have Drinks and candy its show time. 3 Short Previews and we are now watching the opening Credits to Hostel.
Ok 1st things 1st. . . . . .
I Understand what some people say about this movie, so don't pull ANY of that "You just don't get it bull shit" or "Its an Artistic Horror Suspense movie with a Something to say" IT wont work, I know what this was it was a Huge Steaming pile of Shit, that exactly what it was. I LOVE horror movies and I love independent cinema to a point. Because not every independent movie is a not automatically a good movie. That's bullshit and if you believe that than you are worse than those that eat up the thoughtless crap that Hollywood comes out with that you say you loathe. That's a hypocrisy . . . .
Back to the steaming pile. . .
This movie claimed to be gritty, graphic, grind house cinema at its finest, this director has delivered a horror masterpiece untra-violence to the max and that it was supposed to be suspenseful. WRONG on all accounts. I don't give a shit who presented what, this was horrible, This is now in my top 10 crappiest movies of all time. You want a gritty excellent horror movie, go with Saw or Saw II, you want a good horror movie go with any of George A Romero Dead Series, You want a gritty movie again, try the classic OSCAR WINNER Silence of the Lambs, just don't see this drivel. All the Characters are annoying except one, You see the story coming a mile away, its SOOO bad you would have to be in another theater to not see it coming. The average person will have this whole masterminded plot figured out with 30 minutes left to go in the movie.
This movie tried too hard to be a 70's & 80's Horror movie with something to say, it failed. It takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour for the plot to fully develop and get started (It takes this long for the promissed gore and blood to kick in), than you have 35 minutes of Horror, heh yeah right. There is sooooo much skin in this movie, I know your thinking "You object to skin in a horror movie?" No I accept a certain amount walking into a horror movie, but this movie goes above and beyond the normal means of Horror movie with skin. I was very surprised, there is MORE skin than GORE and Shock put together, yes its true. You want this much skin rent a porn, you want horror go see horror, which this is not.
I can hear it now . . .
"You missed the meaning, the director is telling us a story about there is consequences for what we do no matter where we are"
My retort "Im calling Bullshit if that was the case than why do it this way? You are looking far into it than a horror movie, thats all this was Horror/Skin Flick"
Or
"This movie is about America's ignorance and how the world hates us"
My retort "Right, you keep beliving that and you will go far in life, The guy is American who directed this. Oh wait he was doing this as a public service announcement for all of us . . . . . . I get it I promiss to be less ignoran Oh wait t, but you know what if he thinks we are that ignorant he can leave, no one is forcing him to stay and be American, OH he won't Make an Obcene amount of money if he doesn't make American movies"
OR
"This movie is has a lesson to be told that women shouldn't be considered pieces of meat"
My Retort "You really believe this huh? They go through all the trouble to make a movie about this to tell us subconciously? To teach us a lesson? Again keep believing that"
OR
"Places like that can exsist"
My retort "There is probably alot of horrible places on earth that do exsist some much more worse than this, is this a documentry on those places? No this is a Shitty horror movie that didnt scare me. Its only a movie for these purposes 1) The Characters were not sympathetic except for 1, 2) Its only a movie, 3) You know there are probably places that exsist in real life from most horror movies, I dont hear you crying about them, Your just trying to wax intellectual or trying to pull that "Lets think about it" card and failing at it. I go to the movies to be entertained this one didn't do it, I would like a refund"
IF there is a lesson to be learned its "Keep it in your pants" and that is all, Avoid this movie go see something else.
One more thing, I didn't see/hear it personally I was all to ready to escape the Theater, but I read that there is a line from the movie at the end of the credits which I do think has some meaning, if you watch the movie than stick around to hear it, the sound bite will give the movie a new meaning IF this is true, Im not sitting through it again.
My Top 10 Steaming Piles of All time
1) The Messenger - Thought it was going to be a great historical piece, it just turned out to be a piece of crap
2) Lost in Translation - Yeah I got it, This movie SUCKS, IT has a deep meaning that really moved me . . . . . . . . . . . to a Bowel Movement
3) Garden State - Yeah I got this one too, We don't need Prescription Drugs to keep people level mentally, all we need is to do is to stop taking our Brain Meds and find some wacked out chic and our problems will float away. And the movie for MY generation, thats a bold face lie I found more in common with the Movie "Without a Paddle"
4) They - I think this is really Self Explanatory
5) The League of Extradinary Gentlemen - Wow this was pretty bad
6) The Musketeer - The movie was "Alright" Until the last 15 minutes, its amazing what can happen in that short amount of time, WOW.
7) Pearl Harbor - How dare they ruin a good love story with a War, . . . . . . . This is sarcasm for those that missed it
8) Stealing Beauty - Should have been "Stealing Booty" A 2 hour long crapfest about a woman who is trying to findout who got in her moms pants, and who is going to get into hers.
9) Darkness Falls - This was a joke right?
10) Hostel - What we just talked about.
A few notes
A few Independent Movies I Own -
Run Lola Run
Leon (The Professional)
Clerks (Before the bandwagon it was Independent)
Resevoir Dogs
Sideways
Saw (And soon Saw II)
The Devils Rejects (1st one sucked but this one . . . . WOW)
Shaun of the Dead
Bubba Hotep
Momento
More Notes:
I say again just becuase its Independent, it does not make it good by default.
Natalie Portman is Overated
Lets all try to not dig more meaning out of movie than need be no matter what you say if I feel a movie sucks its not going to change my mind.
Not every movie has to have some Deep philisophical meaning, Theres alot of movies that there is nothing too that people like to try to decipher as being meaningful.
This are my Opinions and mine alone I am certainly not the end all when it comes to movies
Ok 1st things 1st. . . . . .
I Understand what some people say about this movie, so don't pull ANY of that "You just don't get it bull shit" or "Its an Artistic Horror Suspense movie with a Something to say" IT wont work, I know what this was it was a Huge Steaming pile of Shit, that exactly what it was. I LOVE horror movies and I love independent cinema to a point. Because not every independent movie is a not automatically a good movie. That's bullshit and if you believe that than you are worse than those that eat up the thoughtless crap that Hollywood comes out with that you say you loathe. That's a hypocrisy . . . .
Back to the steaming pile. . .
This movie claimed to be gritty, graphic, grind house cinema at its finest, this director has delivered a horror masterpiece untra-violence to the max and that it was supposed to be suspenseful. WRONG on all accounts. I don't give a shit who presented what, this was horrible, This is now in my top 10 crappiest movies of all time. You want a gritty excellent horror movie, go with Saw or Saw II, you want a good horror movie go with any of George A Romero Dead Series, You want a gritty movie again, try the classic OSCAR WINNER Silence of the Lambs, just don't see this drivel. All the Characters are annoying except one, You see the story coming a mile away, its SOOO bad you would have to be in another theater to not see it coming. The average person will have this whole masterminded plot figured out with 30 minutes left to go in the movie.
This movie tried too hard to be a 70's & 80's Horror movie with something to say, it failed. It takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour for the plot to fully develop and get started (It takes this long for the promissed gore and blood to kick in), than you have 35 minutes of Horror, heh yeah right. There is sooooo much skin in this movie, I know your thinking "You object to skin in a horror movie?" No I accept a certain amount walking into a horror movie, but this movie goes above and beyond the normal means of Horror movie with skin. I was very surprised, there is MORE skin than GORE and Shock put together, yes its true. You want this much skin rent a porn, you want horror go see horror, which this is not.
I can hear it now . . .
"You missed the meaning, the director is telling us a story about there is consequences for what we do no matter where we are"
My retort "Im calling Bullshit if that was the case than why do it this way? You are looking far into it than a horror movie, thats all this was Horror/Skin Flick"
Or
"This movie is about America's ignorance and how the world hates us"
My retort "Right, you keep beliving that and you will go far in life, The guy is American who directed this. Oh wait he was doing this as a public service announcement for all of us . . . . . . I get it I promiss to be less ignoran Oh wait t, but you know what if he thinks we are that ignorant he can leave, no one is forcing him to stay and be American, OH he won't Make an Obcene amount of money if he doesn't make American movies"
OR
"This movie is has a lesson to be told that women shouldn't be considered pieces of meat"
My Retort "You really believe this huh? They go through all the trouble to make a movie about this to tell us subconciously? To teach us a lesson? Again keep believing that"
OR
"Places like that can exsist"
My retort "There is probably alot of horrible places on earth that do exsist some much more worse than this, is this a documentry on those places? No this is a Shitty horror movie that didnt scare me. Its only a movie for these purposes 1) The Characters were not sympathetic except for 1, 2) Its only a movie, 3) You know there are probably places that exsist in real life from most horror movies, I dont hear you crying about them, Your just trying to wax intellectual or trying to pull that "Lets think about it" card and failing at it. I go to the movies to be entertained this one didn't do it, I would like a refund"
IF there is a lesson to be learned its "Keep it in your pants" and that is all, Avoid this movie go see something else.
One more thing, I didn't see/hear it personally I was all to ready to escape the Theater, but I read that there is a line from the movie at the end of the credits which I do think has some meaning, if you watch the movie than stick around to hear it, the sound bite will give the movie a new meaning IF this is true, Im not sitting through it again.
My Top 10 Steaming Piles of All time
1) The Messenger - Thought it was going to be a great historical piece, it just turned out to be a piece of crap
2) Lost in Translation - Yeah I got it, This movie SUCKS, IT has a deep meaning that really moved me . . . . . . . . . . . to a Bowel Movement
3) Garden State - Yeah I got this one too, We don't need Prescription Drugs to keep people level mentally, all we need is to do is to stop taking our Brain Meds and find some wacked out chic and our problems will float away. And the movie for MY generation, thats a bold face lie I found more in common with the Movie "Without a Paddle"
4) They - I think this is really Self Explanatory
5) The League of Extradinary Gentlemen - Wow this was pretty bad
6) The Musketeer - The movie was "Alright" Until the last 15 minutes, its amazing what can happen in that short amount of time, WOW.
7) Pearl Harbor - How dare they ruin a good love story with a War, . . . . . . . This is sarcasm for those that missed it
8) Stealing Beauty - Should have been "Stealing Booty" A 2 hour long crapfest about a woman who is trying to findout who got in her moms pants, and who is going to get into hers.
9) Darkness Falls - This was a joke right?
10) Hostel - What we just talked about.
A few notes
A few Independent Movies I Own -
Run Lola Run
Leon (The Professional)
Clerks (Before the bandwagon it was Independent)
Resevoir Dogs
Sideways
Saw (And soon Saw II)
The Devils Rejects (1st one sucked but this one . . . . WOW)
Shaun of the Dead
Bubba Hotep
Momento
More Notes:
I say again just becuase its Independent, it does not make it good by default.
Natalie Portman is Overated
Lets all try to not dig more meaning out of movie than need be no matter what you say if I feel a movie sucks its not going to change my mind.
Not every movie has to have some Deep philisophical meaning, Theres alot of movies that there is nothing too that people like to try to decipher as being meaningful.
This are my Opinions and mine alone I am certainly not the end all when it comes to movies
posted by disgruntled at 2:32 AM
3 Comments:
Your not bad. I would buy you a beer if we were ever spouting off in the same place.
Joe
No, to clarify too in retrospect. I am not gay.
Joe
lol!! again, you nailed it. Good ebert and roper impression:)
I agree. The movie was horrible!!
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